Jokes

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant......

........their legs.

Two men broke into a pharmacy and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a rural tavern. She gestures several times to the bartender, but he ignores her. She disappears for several minutes, returns to the bar, and blows him a kiss. This time he rushes over.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face.

“Actually, no,” the bartender smiles.

“Can you get him for me?” she asks, running her hands through his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t. He’s not here,” the bartender sighs. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” he manages to ask.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “that there’s no toilet paper in the ladies’ room.”

I got hit so hard that I went blind

I cried my eyes out

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment.

If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be £5.50 a minute.

Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

In bed last night the missus got a bit kinky and poured Tippex all over me.

Gave me a massive correction.

A man was shot last night by a starter pistol. Police believe it was race related.