Jokes

a man took his pet duck to the cinema.he was worried about not being admitted if someone saw it,so he stuck the bird down his trousers.in the theatre the duck starts to get uncomfortable,so the man opens his fly,so the bird can pop its head out.a woman sitting beside him says to her friend"this mans got his thing out"her friend replies"so,yuv seen one before havnt you?"
"yeah of course,but this ones eating my popcorn"

why did god create adam before he created eve?
because he didnt want anyone telling him how to make adam

an escaped convict breaks into a house and ties up the young couple who were sleeping in the bedroom.as soon as he,s got a chance the man turns to his sexy young wife and says"honey,this fella hasnt seen a woman in years,just cooperate with anything he wants.if he wants sex,pretend yur enjoying it.our lives depend on it"the wife spits out her gag and hisses back"im so glad you feel that way,cuz he told me he thinks you have a cute arse"

Sometimes I feel like facebook just likes to take the piss:
"56 of your friends were tagged in the album, 'Party of the Year'"
Yeah thanks for reminding me I'm unpopular.

Whenever I tell my girlfriend “I’m just going for a quick shit”, I always end up having the longest bowel movement ever.

Bet you can’t guess what happens when I tell her I’m going to fuck her all night.

Marriage counsellor to couple:
"Tell me something you both have in common."
Husband after long, awkward silence:
"Neither of us suck cock?"

An Essex girl and boy are playing hide and seek. The girl sends the boy a text. "If you find me, you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse, if you can't, I'm in the shed."

My wife insists on unplugging every electrical appliance in the house before having sex with me.

Its a massive turn off.

walking to work this morning,i passed a bloke in an rac van.he was sobbing his eyes out and was as miserable as sin.i thought to myself"that mans heading for a breakdown"

ikea are now selling lesbian beds,no need to screw,just tongue and groove