Jokes

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

How do you say "Brassiere" in German?
"Keipsemfrumfloppin."

How do you tickle a Jewish American princess?
Say "Gucci, Gucci, Gucci."

Life is like taking a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.

A bigamist is a man who can have his Kate and Edith too.

A police officer was called to the scene of a road accident where a driver had run over a hugely obese American.

The officer told the driver: "I have a witness who says the victim stepped slowly out into the road giving you plenty of time to avoid him, yet you ran him straight over."

"I suppose I could have gone round him" confessed the driver, "but I wasn't sure if I had enough petrol."

Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. The previous arrests were 1765, 1849, and 1938.

Being Poor has its advantages. For example, your keys are never in your other trousers.

Two women knocked at my door and started preaching to me about the virtues of brown bread. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the
law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell
me you had a prescription."