Jokes

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

Wife: "Look how devoted that couple are. See how he kisses her whenever they meet. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "I'd love to but I hardly know her?"

A mans wife catches him masturbating , while studying a magic eye picture. He said "It's not what it looks like!"

I love the three types of radiation. I like alpha and gamma, but I prefer the other type. I think it's beta.

The pirate captain was standing in his treasure pile. He didn't have much - his booty was only shin-deep.

Husband to wife: "You look a million dollars - all wrinkled and green."

Teacher: "Give me a sentence containing the word "efficient."
Boy: "When my dad is hungry, he likes efficient chip supper

About to get married, a shy young man plucked up the courage to ask his grandfather about sex. "How often is a married man expected to have sex?" he asked.

"Well" said the grandfather. "when you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe you'll do it several times a week. Later on, sex tapers off, down to once a week. Then as you get older, it goes down to about once a month, and when you're really old, you're lucky to get it once a year, like on your anniversary."

"How about you and Grandma now? asked the young man.
"We just have oral sex now." he replied.
"What's oral sex?"
"Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells Screw you! And I yell back, Screw you too!."

A man went into business prospecting for gold. Unfortunately it didn't pan out.

Clearasil soon regretted moving their factory to London when Hackney disappeared overnight.

These days, gangs just go around shooting each other and driving off. At least back in the old days, like in West Side Story, they used to dance with each other first.

Don't steal! That's the government's job.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
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The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.