Jokes

Explaining the Offside Rule in Soccer to Women

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen, and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotton your purses. It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes! At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "Whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

But you must always remember that until the purse has actually been thrown, it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper as you would be OFFSIDE!

A mother was sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
"Mummy" said the first. "Why am I called Rosie?"
"Because when you were born, a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."
"Mummy" asked the second. "Why am I called Lily?
"Because when you were born a lily petal fell from that plant and landed on your forehead.
The third daughter moaned slowly: "Maaamaaranaammaagh."
"Be quiet Fridge" said the mother.

What happened when the guy with no arms tried to masturbate?
He was stumped.

What do you call a man who expects sex on a second date? Slow.

Why don't old ladies have Brazilians?
I don't know, it's a bit of a grey area.

A woman ran into a police station and shouted: "Help I've been graped!"
"Don't you mean raped?" replied the officer
"No, there was a bunch of them."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window. If it will start pouring down, I'm afraid I will have to let her inside.

A little girl went to the barbers with her dad and stood next to the chair eating a bun, while her dad had his hair cut.
The barber smiled at her and said: "You're going to get hair on your muffin"
"I know" she said. "I'm going to get tits too."