Jokes

Two Sydney construction workers, Bazza and Bruce, were on the roof of a twenty one-storey skyscraper. Bazza turned to Bruce and said: "Mate I need a piss, but the lav's down on the ground."

Thinking quickly, Bruce suggested: "Why don't you stand on the end of a plank and piss off the edge? The winds will disperse the liquid and no one will be any the wiser. I'll stand on this side of the plank to stop you falling off."

Bazza agreed it was a good idea and so he stepped out onto the plank to do his business, while Bruce stood on the other end. Then suddenly the lunch horn sounded, and Bruce instinctively walked away, leaving Bazza to plummet downwards.

Two months later, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian were sitting in a London pub arguing about which country's men pulled out all the stops to pursue beautiful ladies. The Englishman boasted: "Lads, we treat our ladies like queens, we take them to dinner, a movie, maybe even a club, before we pop home for a kiss and a cuddle."

The Frenchman scoffed: "Mon ami, you ave no idea. We French, we woo our ladies, we treat them to fine wines and chocolate, to roses and dancing. We romance them like no other countryman in the world."

Having quietly listened to the other two, the Australian finished his pint leaned forward and said: "Mates, you know nothing. We Aussies do the most to chase women. Case in point: I was walking through Sydney a couple of months ago when I spied these two beautiful lasses. Well, not being one to hang about I made my way in their direction. At that point I was surprised by the sheer dedication of another of my fellow countrymen, as he came flying out of the air, dick in hand, screaming Cuuuuunt!"

A brunette said to a blonde: "My boyfriend is so sweet."
"Oh" said the blonde. "I always thought he tasted a bit salty."

An inexperienced young guy took a girl back to his flat. As they started fondling each other on the sofa, she sighed: "You haven't removed many bras have you?"
"What gave it away ? he asked.
"The scissors, mainly.

Three gay men died and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first said: " My Tony loved flying, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second said: "My Simon loved fishing, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in his favourite lake."

The third said: "My Louis was such a great lover, I think I'm going to put his ashes in a pot of chilli so that he can tear my ass up one last time."

One afternoon, a hooker brought a guy home and they walked inside. Walking down the hallway the guy noticed pictures of dicks all across the wall. The guy asked to whom they belonged.

"Oh" said the hooker, they're my favourite clients."
"Shit" the guy thought to himself. "Mine is only half size of theirs!"
Just then the hooker said: "Wait here while I go and get ready."

As soon as she entered her bedroom, the guy ran down to the local shop and bought the biggest cucumber he could fine. When he got back he quickly undressed and jumped into bed with the hooker, and began to push the cucumber in and out of her.

"Oh yeah baby!" she moaned ecstatically. "That's great. I love a good finger-fucking before a proper fuck!"

Long-distance relationships are like obese people - they never work out.

What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? the bad marksman shoots but can't hit.

My mate told me yesterday that he'd been a mime artist for the last 10 years. I said: "Bloody hell, you kept that quiet!"