Jokes

How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer. "Olive?"
You know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."

What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.

Due to a typo, my local school put on a "Naivety Play" in which Joseph and Mary made all kinds of silly assumptions.

A man went to the doctors and said: "Doc, I bought some steroids, and they've had nasty side effects. I've grown an extra penis."
"Anabolic?"
"No, just a penis."


A woman was lying on the doctor's bed, waiting for her annual smear test. The doctor came in, and as he was preparing himself, she mentioned that she had six children. "Yes I can tell" he said. "You have the biggest box I have ever seen!"

She was understandably offended by the remark, and when she got home, she went to the bathroom, took the mirror off the wall, and laid it on the floor so she could have a look herself. As she squatted over the mirror, her husband walked in and saw her.

When he asked her what she was doing, she said: "I'm doing my exercises." "Well you'd best be careful" he warned. "You're about to fall into that huge hole in the floor."

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
"No thanks, I'm traveling light."

A woman's first thought on discovering a skid mark in the toilet:
"Yuk! That's disgusting! I must get some cleaner and wipe that off."

A man's first thought on discovering a skid mark in the toilet:
"Great! A challenge to see if I can wash it all away with one good piss."

What do we want? A cure for Tourette's. When do we want it? Wanker!

Q) Why is Santa such a jolly, happy, lucky chappy??
A) Cause he KNOWS where ALL the naughty girls live!...cause those perverted fuckers Jimmy Saville and Rolf Harris (alledged) told him

A Christmas Thought
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Santa Claus is a woman!

Santa Claus is a woman because:
The vast majorities of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.
A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Men can’t pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don’t answer their mail.
Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

"On the Table"

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.

Father: "Did you see Santa this year, son?
Son: "No it was too dark. But I heard what he said when he stubbed his toe on the end on my bed."

I got a sweater for Christmas. But I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

What Christmas Song is this: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ? No L!

A wife asked her husband: "Have you ever seen a £10 note all crumpled up?" "No" he replied.

She gave a sexy smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled £10 note. Then she said: "Have you ever seen a £20 note all crumpled up?" "No" he replied.

She gave another sexy smile, reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled £20 note. "Now" she said, "have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" "No" he replied, intrigued.

"Well" she said, "go take a look in the garage."