Jokes

A woman takes her two dachshunds, a male and a female to the vet's for a check-up.

"Has the male been neutered? asks the vet.

"There's no need," replies the woman. "At home, I keep the female upstairs and the male downstairs. There's no chance they'll have puppies."

"Can't the male climb stairs? asks the vet.

"No" replies the woman. "Not when he's got a hard-on."

Being involved in a nine-car pile-up on a two-lane road is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself. Hold on tight—particularly if it’s a rearender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

A botanist was trying to conduct research into a particular type of fern, so he sent a request to all his colleagues, asking them to forward to him any information they had about it.

Unfortunately, his request was not worded very well, as a result of which all the botanists he had contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just one species.

Consequently, within hours of sending out the request, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of useless documents relating to all manner of ferns - Tree ferns, wood ferns, cinnamon ferns - but precious few about the particular type he wanted.

In despair, he sent another message to his colleagues:
If it ain't Bracken, don't fax it.

The teacher asked little Johnny to put the following words into a sentence to show their meaning. Here are his answers:

Ammonia: Billy's mum offered me a lift after school, but I said ammonia short way from home.

Bulletin: The cowboy limped because he'd got a bulletin his leg.

Centimetre: Aunt May arrived last night and I was centimetre at the station.

Deceit: In our garden there's always a rush to see who can be first to sit on deceit.

Eclipse: Every month my dad gets the garden shears and eclipse the hedge.

Festival: I have history homework to do tonight, but festival, I'm going to watch TV.

Judicious: On TV adverts, they say that hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Nuisance: My mum was complaining that she hadn't had anything nuisance she was married.

Propagate: Dad knocked down the old wooden fence, so now we have a propagate.

Reverend: Teacher says if I don't study, I'll be in this grade for reverend ever.

Urinate: You're looking great Ma'am - in fact urinate and if you had bigger boobs, you'd definitely be a ten.

Why We Live as Long as We Do...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; then for next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Murphy dies and goes to heaven. One day, he's walking through a heavenly park when he see his old priest, Father Mulroony, sitting on a bench.

Murphy is shocked to see that the Father has a busty blonde girl sitting on his lap.

"Father Mulroony," gasps Murphy, "this is a terrible thing to see. In life you were the most strict, staunch, upright priest in the country: and yet I find you here in heaven sitting with a blonde floozy in your lap. The shame of it!"

"Don't jump to conclusions Murphy" he replies. "She's not my reward, I'm her punishment."

My girlfriend came out of the shower smiling at me and said, "I've just shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."

My short attention span really irritates me, but luckily not for very ........

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

"What are you doing." they ask her.

So she replies "Hanging myself."

The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."

The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."

On a train there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde girl and a frightfully awful-looking fat lady.
After several minutes the train happened to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. When they left the tunnel the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought—That French bastard wanted to touch me and must have put his hand on the fat lady by mistake, who, in turn, must have slapped his face.
The large lady thought—That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.
The Frenchman thought—That fucking Englishman put his hand on the blonde and she slapped me by mistake.
The Englishman thought—I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again.