Jokes

A short sighted vicar finds a drunk trying to climb the stairs in a block of flats.

The drunk tells him he lives on the top floor so the vicar helps him up the stairs, shows him to the door of his flat, then goes back downstairs.

On the ground floor the vicar finds another drunk who also lives on the top floor. The vicar helps the second drunk climb the stairs and shows him the door to his flat.

When he reaches the ground floor again, lo and behold he sees another drunk staggering about.

"I suppose you live on the top floor too" says the vicar.

"Yes" says the drunk. "But every time i get there some bastard pushes me down the lift shaft."

A chicken and an egg lie together in bed.
The chicken smokes a cigarette and smiles with satisfaction.
The egg frowns and mutters, "Well, I guess we answered that question!"

I had this sexy girl, flat on her back outside a club last night. We were locking lips, it was getting passionate and hot, then some people started to gather around and watch.
To put on a show, I thought I'd slip a few fingers into her fanny while I gently kissed her neck.
That's when her boyfriend said, "You don't know CPR, do you?"


One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting.
"Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!"
Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.
"You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots."
The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick.
The rabbit cries, laughs, cries, laughs, cries, laughs ...
"Why are you crying?" says the lion.
"It hurts," says the rabbit.
"And why the fuck are you laughing?" says the lion.
"I've just see the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering mushrooms.

Went to Tesco's cafe for my lunch yesterday. The waitress said 'Would you like anything on your burger?' I said 'A fiver each way.'

Well personally I can't wait to try the new Tesco quarter pandas.

A nun gave birth to a baby without anyone knowing about it.

She was in two minds as to whether she should tell the Mother Superior and after much deliberation decided to she must inform her.

She gathered the baby and went to the Mother Superior's room, only to find her sound asleep with her legs astride.

Seeing a solution to her problem, she carefully placed the baby between the Mother's legs and left.

The next morning the Mother woke up and found the baby there and exclaimed, "Damn, you can't even trust the alter candles these days."

Felt I had to share this. There are more on the link. Many more.

Paddy says to Mick:

"I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her pussy open!"

Mick replies, "Honer Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No, on a dildo!


A man goes into a pub and says: "I'd like something tall, icy, and full of gin.

The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen: "Oi Brenda! someone to see you.

The slippery, ice and snow covered roads have severely affected my wife's driving.
She inadvertantly went in a straight line today...


"Harder!" she moaned, "harder, harder!"
"OK you asked for it" I said "What's the capital of Peru?"


My missus has had enough of the fact that I spend all our spare cash adding to my collection of old records.
She's given me a vinyl warning...

An extremely drunk man looking for a brothel stumbles blindly into a chiropodist's by mistake.

He weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed.

"Stick it through the curtain" she says.

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk whips out his dick and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.

"Christ!" replies the drunk. "I didn't know you had a minimum."

A woman is preparing a french dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails from the local continental market.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink.

He has a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening.

Realising he's extremely late, he runs home, opens the gate, pours the snails over the path, then rings the bell.

His furious wife opens the door. "Where the hell have you been?" she yells at him.

The husband looks behind, waves back to the snails and says:
"Come on lads, we're nearly there."