Jokes

A woman found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vets.

The vet found the problem was hair in its ears; once he got rid of the hair, the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady to stop this re-occurring, she should go to the local chemist and get some Nair hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The woman went to the chemists, and the pharmacist told her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

"I'm not using it under my arms" she replied.

"Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a few days."

"I'm not using it on my legs either" said the woman. "If you must know i'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist replied: " Well stay off your bicycle for a week then."

A little boy went up to his dad and asked: "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

His father replied: "Well, son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Finally ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars."

So he went to his mum and asked her if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. "My god, of course i would" she said, "He's so handsome."

He went up to his sister and asked her if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. "Are you kidding, you bet i would, he's sex on legs" she replied.

Finally he asked his brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. " Well if push came to shove, most definitely for that kind of cash."

He went back to hs dad and said; "I think i learned the difference between potentially and realistically."

"So what is it?" asked the father.

"Well potentially we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with two sluts and a fag."

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

hmv vouchers are now being accepted at tescos, just tell them hmv means horse meat vouchers !!


Everyones moaning about tesco burgers, they should try the value meatballs there're the dogs bollox !!

I ate a tesco burger yesterday and now i got the right trots.

They say do something to scare yourself every day. So I've booked a flight on a 787 Dreamliner....


The first rule of Tesco beefburger club.
There are no beefburgers....


The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie for Mr & Mrs Jones with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too."

A bloke got his sleeping pills mixed up with his viagra.
He ended up having 40 wanks.

Did you hear about the new band called Prevention?
They're going to be miles better than the cure.

Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
It's called Abzorba the Leak.

What do a ninja warrior and a softcore pornstar have in common?
No one sees them coming.

cow walks into a bar, barman says 'why the long face?' cow replies 'all these illegal ingredients coming over here, stealing our job !!!'

A bloke joins a gym for the first time and spots a gorgeous blonde woman using a treadmill. He asks the gym instructor, “Which machine can I use to impress that sexy girl?” The instructor replies, “The cash machine outside reception!”

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"
St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven."
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"
"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!"

This bird I was chatting up at the pub told me I'd look much better if I didn't wear my glasses, so I took them off.
I'm glad she said that, because now she looks much better too....


I went on an awful date yesterday. The conversation was forced, we had nothing in common, and I definitely didn't find her attractive in the slightest.
Thank god my wedding anniversary meal is only once a year...


Looks like Southampton needed to lose some dead weight in January. they went on the Adkins diet....

The Emperor of Japan advertises for a new bodyguard. Three swordsman apply: one is Japanese, one is Chinese, and one is Jewish.

To test him the Emperor lets a fly loose in the room and tells the Japanese swordsman to kill it.

The sweeps down his blade and chops the fly in two.

The Chinese swordsman is given the same test.

He swings his sword twice and cuts the fly into quarters before it hits the ground.

The Jewish swordsman has his turn.

He chases the fly around the room, swings his sword a few times, then sits down with the fly buzzing around his head.

"Why have you stopped?" asks the Emperor. "The fly is still alive."

"Yes i know" he replies, "But now its circumcised."