Jokes

What does this country have in common with my wife's fanny?
Labour has ruined both of them.


How to speak Geordie:
Now say these words.... as they are, without accent.
Ligature, Yeff, Gutter, Fierce, Lake, Appearer, Tets.
Or...
Look at you you've got a face like a pair of tits.


The average male penis is 6 inches long,
The average vagina is 6-8 inches deep.
This means there is a staggering 4.5 miles of pussy spare in the UK!

What is the difference between an Essex girl and a Cadbury's creme egg?


The creme egg is more expensive to lick out

Lady goes to the grocers for a cucumber. "Do you want it sliced love?" said the grocer.

"What for" says the lady "its a fanny i've got, not a fuckin slot machine"

Q.whats pink and hard?
A.a pig with a flick-knife

Q.whats pink and stiff?
A.the pig that upset him

two hunters go moose hunting every winter without success.finally,they come up with a plan.they buy a female moose costume and learn the mating call of a female moose-the plan being that they lure the bull,then jump out of the costume and shoot it,they don the costume and and give the moose love call,before long the call is answered as a bull comes crashing thru the clearing,when the bull gets close the bloke in front says"ok,lets jump out and get him"after a few moments the guy at the back shouts"the zips stuck,what the hell are we gonna do?" the bloke at the front says"im gonna start nibbling grass,but you had better brace yourself"

2 sperms were competing to reach the egg. One sperm said to the other "how far 'till we reach the egg?" The other sperm replied "it's still a long way to go, we've only just gone past the tonsils!"

how do you know you have a high sperm count?
cuz yur girlfriend has to chew before swallowing

What does a bible and a penis have in common ?

Both get shoved down your throat by a Priest.

Hmm :|

Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."
Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

The credit crunch is worse than I thought:
I just got a letter from Readers Digest saying I had not been included in this month's prize draw.