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Where do the England Cricket Team stay when they tour South Africa ? With Mum & Dad.

Divorce Letter !!

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Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife
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Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Q:Why do prostitutes wear knickers?
A:To keep their ankles warm.

A man was in a hotel lobby.
As he runs to the front desk he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does,his elbow hits her breast.
They are both startled.
The man turns to her and says,"Ma'am,if your heart is as soft as your breast,I know you'll forgive me."
She replies,"If your cock is as hard as your elbow,I'm in room 243."

I'm quite surprised at the short amount of time "Oh you're so funny I just love a man with a great sense of humour" changes to "What the fuck is wrong with you ? Is everything a fucking joke to you ?" in my relationship.

An Italian,A Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.

The Italian man says "When I have 'a' finished making love to my woman,she levitates six inches fromma de bed!"

The Frenchman says, "Mon ami! After six hours of the continuous love making to my girl,she levitates 3 feet of the bed!"

The Australian man says, "Strueth mate,when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila,I get off the bed,wipe me cock on the curtains....and she goes through the fucking roof!!!"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "W hoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Everton just proved to be one of the best teams in the world,they've taken on Man U & Arsenal & still won.

A man shouts to his wife,"Come here and look at my clock."
She walks in to find him naked with a hard on.
"That's not a clock," she says.
"It will be when there's two hands and a face on it," he replies.

I walked in a shop today and asked the bloke,"Is there anyone here who can sell me a kettle?"
"KENWOOD?" he replied.
"OK!" I said,"Where's he then?"

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said,"I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said,"I'm not drunk."
She said,"Yes you are."
I said,"No I'm not.
She said,"Yes you bloody are."
I said,"No I'm not fucking drunk."
She said,"Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said,"No I'm not fucking drunk."

A guy goes and buys a parrot. The parrot can speak really well. The guy takes the parrot into a pub and bets everyone that the parrot can talk well. He gets the odds of 30 to 1. He is just about to boast about the parrot but the parrot won't talk. He is furious and goes home and yells at the parrot. He raps his hands around the parrots neck when the parrot says, "STOP! Just think of the odds you'll get tomorrow night."

I found a packet of 100 raisins at the back of my cupboard earlier,so I brought them down to my local supermarket to change them for 100 sultana's.
The fuckers only gave me 50 though.....
I can't believe the Current exchange rate.

Q:What do you call 12 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A:A Scrotum Poll.

The man:"God,how long is a million years?"
God:"To me,a minute.
The man:" God,how much is a million pound?"
God:"To me,a penny.
The man:"God,may I have a penny?"
God:"In a minute.