Jokes

A husband and wife get married young and, on their honeymoon, the wife discovers something quirky about her husband: he refuses to make love with the lights on. This doesn't really bother her so she decides to just let it go and accept her husband's quirks.

Years pass and the husband still remains adamant about keeping the lights off, and the wife starts wondering why this could be. She finally decides to do something about it and, one night, in the middle of a tryst, she turns on the bedside lamp. She looks down and sees her husband holding a flesh textured, much larger than regular, dildo.

"How could you have been lying to me all these years?" she yells at him.

The husband looks straight back at her and answers, "Honey, you shouldn't get upset."

"Shouldn't get upset? how can you possibly explain this?"

"Okay, tell you what: I'll explain this if you explain the children."

Two small boys are walking down the street when they suddenly come across a used condom and one of them picks it up. They play with it until they get home and one of the boy's mother sees it and shouts at them "What is that you two are playing with?!"

"It's just a balloon mum." Replies one of the boys.

"Didn't I tell you not to play with stuff you found lying around in the street?!"

"You did mum."

"Now go throw that thing in the bin!"

While they walk away, the other boy says: "Geez, your mum was so pissed off. Good thing we didn't tell her we ate the yoghurt we found inside."

Argueing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pidgeon.You could be the greatest player in the world.But the pidgeon would still knock over all the pieces,shit on the board & still strut around triumphantly.

I was watching an 18 film with my little boy earlier. He said "Dad, I'm scared, is that lady going to die?" I said "Probably son judging by the size of that horses cock!".

I'm going to rob a bank tomorrow dressed as a clown, wearing nipple tassles, a thong and thigh high pvc boots. I'll be carrying a goat, have a dildo stuck up my arse and I'll be carrying a big tin of Dulux paint. In the bank, the goat's gonna suck me off and I'll throw paint all over the walls whilst shouting "Big fat Pissflaps". When I get the cash, I'm gonna shit on the floor and escape in a van shaped like a big, pink cock!
Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that fucker!!

I looked out the window and it was pissing it down.

I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm not going out in that. I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow'.

"Apparently masturbation can help ease the nerves before taking an exam..."

I explained to the teacher as I was taken out of the school exam hall.

In order to save time and money, Chelsea have sacked their next manager too.

I walked up to the counter and said, "One adult and two children, please."

The lady said, "No problem, Sir. That'll be forty pounds."

As I handed the money over, I thought, "This is my kind of brothel."

I got pulled over by a policeman today.

"Have you been drinking sir?"

"no, course not" I replied

"Take a deep breath and blow into this for me please," said the officer.

Moments later he says, "you have been drinking, haven't you?"

"Well what makes you so sure?"

"You've been giving me a blowjob for the past 2 minutes."