Jokes

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

It's not the first time Titus Bramble has been caught with drugs in his career. It happened in his time at Newcastle ...... Shearer Cort Dyer Given Bramble Speed.

I treated the wife to one of those "Fish Pedicures" the other day and I must say I was pleased with the result.

Those piranha's don't fuck about!

(02-10-2011 11:29 )Money_Shot Wrote:  A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Fucking brilliant

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her,"Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you crazy? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh, come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh, come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh, please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh, yes, you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't."
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:“Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it.”But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

Andrew is to meet Don's female friend, Mary, but this is Andrew's first blind date and seeing as how he is into people's looks and style of dress and that sort of thing, he is kind of worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly and dresses even worse?" says Andrew, "Then I'll be stuck with her all night, and it'll be terrible."

"Don't worry," Don says. "She's into looks and fashion just like you. But here's a plan: You go up to her door and meet her there first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned and you continue on your date. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack, after which you excuse yourself and leave. Problem solved."

So that night, Andrew knocks at Mary's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"

One night, this guy came into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink, Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asked.
"My wife and I got into a fight ,"explained the guy ,"And now she isn't talking to me for the whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while, "But ,isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."

I was just chatting to a bloke in the pub.He said "What you been up to today ?" I said "I spent all day shagging the missus"He said " You lucky bastard,I've been at work all day" I said "I know she told me"

To cure my addiction to ham sandwiches it's cold turkey from now on

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."