Jokes

I read in a marriage guidance magazine that if your partner is having an affair, she'll make up pathetic excuses to go out late at night.

I'm looking forward to having the house to myself tonight actually. mrs w's off to take her ferret for a midnight yodelling lesson.

The first mrs w's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

"I've got a new nickname for you," I told mrs w today.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Bambi," I replied.

"Aww, is that 'cos I've got big beautiful eyes?" she asked.

"No, it's because I've just killed your mum," I replied.

i'd just like to take a minute to congratulate the new indian karaoke champion, getupand singh

It's pretty stupid how cats will just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. Hold on, gotta check my iPhone.

Never judge a book by it's movie.

When I got home from work tonight the wife said how about a bit of role reversal

Now I'm doing the washing up, while she lies on the sofa drinking beer, farting and watching football

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

I asked my girlfriend "do you think we should take our relationship to the next level ?" "Ooh yes"she giggled "let's go upstairs & freshen up & you can tell me what your thinking" "OK" I replied "but make sure you give that arse a good wipe"

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.

"You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy...did you get a blowjob?"

"No......never found the head."