Jokes

Marriage is like a pack of cards. In the beginning there are 2 hearts and a diamond, and at the end all you wish you had was a club and a spade.


A white horse walks into a pub. The landlord walks up to it and says "Do you know we named this pub after you?"

The horse replies "What, Alex?"


A driver hits the car that's in front of him. From that car, the driver gets out, and he's a dwarf. He says "I'm not happy" So the first driver replies "OK, so which one of the seven are you?

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said,
"My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies
"I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
"I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed.
"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.

(28-09-2011 20:25 )Paulie69 Wrote:  Marriage is like a pack of cards. In the beginning there are 2 hearts and a diamond, and at the end all you wish you had was a club and a spade.

don't you mean, marriage is like a deck of cards, because you need a heart to marry 'em, a diamond on their finger, a club to bash their head in, and a spade to bury 'em

either way, it's still funny

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pu*sy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

My mate hates his job at the sewage works. He's been trying to get another job, but personally I think he is just going through the motions....

A new study suggests that the purpose of yawning is to cool the brain.Which apparently gets overheated when listening to women talk.

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Without my knowledge my 14-year old daughter has become sexually active. One day, I got home from work early and as I passed my daughter's bedroom, I heard soft, moaning noises. I opened the door and saw my daughter lying naked on the bed and being orally satisfied by her lover. As I looked closer, I could see that her lover actually is a hot girl of the same age as her. They still weren't aware of me standing there. Here's my question:

Would you file the video under 'amateur' or 'lesbian'?

And if that wasn't bad enough she came home in a rage the other day. "I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

The secrets of a happy marriage...

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