Jokes

an armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by the urinal...
he asks a nearby man "could you help me point my penis"
the man reluctantly agrees and holds it while looking away, just as the man is finishing he glances at the penis and sees it is deformed and covered with crabs he jumps back in shock and asks "what the hell is wrong with it? "
"Dunno" replies the man as he pulls his arms out of his jacket "but i ain't touching it"

a blonde walks into a hotel and asks for a room she explains to the receptionist that its her first time to stay in a hotel and how excited she is, the bemused receptionist gives her the key of the room and directs her towards it.
the next day about 1 o clock there is no sign of the blonde so the receptionist rings her room, the blonde answers the phone in a terrible state.
"what is wrong" asks the receptionist
"i can't get out, there are only 3 doors" replies the blonde "one is the toilet, one is the wardrobe and the other one says do not disturb"

Some tortoises are playing cards when they run out of beer. They pick one of their number, Billy, to go to the off licence. Billy goes off and after waiting two days, the others start getting impatient. "Billy's really getting slow" says one. "Aye, he's not what he used to be" says another. Then a voice shouts from behind the door - "Oi!! If you're going to talk about me behind my back I'm not going!"

a guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "can i smell ur cunt"
"fuck off u dirty bastard" yells the woman "there is no way u can smell my cunt"
"oh" smiles the man "it must be ur feet"

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger tits".

The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".

"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.

"Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend.

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

Jackass 3D is to hit the cinemas soon.

If I wanted to see a bunch of useless cunts running into each other in 3D, I would just watch Liverpool on Sky.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."