Jokes

My wife died in a house fire last night.The police said to me, "Do you have any idea how it started?"I said, "Yes, it started when she refused to suck my cock".

I'm pretty sure that I have a nut allergy.The inside of my legs are red raw.

I was walking down the street when i saw these two blind guys squaring up in an alley.I shouted"my money's on the one with the knife" you should have seen how fast they both ran off.

On my birthday my friends clubbed together and bought me a sweater.on reflection,i'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer,but you cant have everything.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £1.50 per minute.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.  The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Bob and Jim are on a cruise ship.Bob says"It's awfully quiet on deck tonight"Jim replies"Everyone will be watching the band" so Bob says"There isnt a band playing tonight" to which Jim continues"i definitly heard someone shout a band on ship"

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says “seven points.”

His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”

The old man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 7 to nothing.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie, score.”

After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I’m ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can’t fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.
The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”

The old man replies, “Half-time, switch sides.”

American scientists have developed a car that runs on water.Sadly,so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico....