Jokes

What are the 3 fastest form of communication?

1. Television
2. Telephone
3. Tell-a-woman

2 men talking in the Doctor's waiting room.

"What you in for?" asks the first man.
"Well its a bit embarassing really, but I have a red ring around the base of my penis" he replies.
"Bloody hell!" the first man says "thats a coincidence, I have a green ring around the base of my penis"

At that, the second man is called in to see the Doctor. A couple of minute pass, and the man comes out.

"Phew! Doctor says I'll be fine, just go home and sit in a warm bath until the redness disappears" he says.

The first man is called in to see the Doctor, and promptly shows him his penis.

"Fuck Me!" says the Doctor "we'll have to aputate it straight away!"

"What the fuck? My mate was just in, and you sent him home to sit in the bath, how come you need to chop my cock off?" he screams.

"Because Mr Jones there is a big difference between lipstick and gangreen!"

I was driving through a village today and saw a sign which read 'Max Speed 20'.

I thought, happy birthday, Max. Have a great day.

I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for.

whats the diffence between father christmas and tiger woods?
father christmas stops after three ho,s

A lion would never cheat on his wife...

But a tiger wood.

a man goes fishing and hasnt caught a thing in six hours.then the local vicar turns up,casts his rod in the stream and starts catching fish,within an hour his keepnet is full.the man is amazed at the performance and asks the vicar how he does it."its easy,replies the vicar,before you next go fishing rub your hand between your wifes legs and then handle your bait.the female pheromones from her sexual organs attract the fish"the man thinks its a good idea and picks some bait up on the way home,when he gets home he sees the wife preparing dinner in the kitchen.without a word he creeps up behind her and rubs his hands between her legs.his wife giggles,opens her legs a little wider and says"hello vicar,off fishing again are you?"

Today during dinner my son had hardly touched his plate and the wife said, "Think of the poor children in Africa, Kyle"
He said back to her, "Do they have to eat this shite too?"
High fiving didn't impress her too much either.

I won the Lottery last night.

I haven't told the wife yet, I can't use my phone on the plane.

ITV1 at the moment

Take That dressed as Clowns