Jokes

What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

Doctor has prescribed me gloating cream.

Can't wait to rub it in.

My wife thinks I'm a God.

She puts burnt offerings in front of me every day

I just got a vasectomy.

I was looking forward to not having any more kids…

But when I got home, they were still there.

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when the police pull him over. They smell alcohol on the priest's breath.

“Have you been drinking?"

“Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest says: "Good Lord He's done it again!”

Two sperm swimming side by side were having a conversation.

One sperm asked the other ‘‘how far till we reach the fallopian tubes?’’

The other replied, ‘‘No sure but we just passed the oesophagus.’’

If a threesome is with three people and a twosome with two, do you now understand why people call someone ‘handsome’

A farmer’s boy woke up and went to the kitchen to get breakfast. The mother told him that he would get it after his chores were done.

He stomps out angrily and heads out to clean the chicken. While going about it, a chicken pecks him and he kicks it. He goes to the pigsty and when one pig knocks him, he knocks it back.

He went ahead to milk their cow and while close to finishing, the cow kicked the bucket and spilled the milk. He kicked the cow too. The mother saw everything and told him no eggs because he kicked the chicken. No bacon because he kicked the pig and no milk because he kicked the cow too.

While in the house, he saw his dad come down the stairs and when a cat almost tripped him, he kicked it. The boy looked at the mother and said, ‘‘should I tell him or you will?’’

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals

Vegans;

I used to think Vegan was a planet on Star Trek.

How do you know if someone is a Vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you.....

I did seriously consider becoming a Vegan. Not because I love animals, but because I hate plants......