Jokes

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

You heard the rumour going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’

The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, the signs were all there.

I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said "Would you like a beer for your wife?"

I said: “That sounds like a fair swap.”

My friend used to drink Guinmess but has been told to stop drinking it by his doctor - now he's a lager lout

What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?

It’s not what it looks like!

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there.

Do you know what that means?”

The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.