Jokes

If a dove is the bird of peace, then is a swallow the bird of love?

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked.

"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.''

John comes home all excited with this bottle and says to Jill, "I bought this at the store. It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied to the 'specified place' a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out."

"Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand "Let me look at the directions for use."

John hands over the bottle and Jill says, "Ohhhhh, now I see why you can't wait for me to try it out. The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'"

Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed.

She’ll go out and get a second opinion.

Impotence is nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings...”

When I was growing up my mother wanted me to be a priest, but I think it’s a tough occupation.

Can you imagine giving up your sex life, and then once a week people come and tell you all the highlights of theirs?

I feel sorry for the hypnostist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled 'FUCK ME'

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have SEX with you. I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.”

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, “Do it but ask him for $2000, then pick up the money so quickly that he wouldn’t even have enough time to undress himself.” So she agrees.

Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, “What happened?”

She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still f..king!”

John was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.

Little did he know that she was darn near insatiable.

After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.

After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped into the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his genitals.

After a few seconds of fishing around, he finally said, "Look, come out, it's okay. She's not here!"

On their wedding night, Bruce displays his 'old johnson' to his new blonde virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world.

She, of course, believes him.

He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and returns, only to be questioned by his new wife.

"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one too."

"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine."

"Oh. Well, why did you give him the big 'One'?"