Jokes

The wife must be ovulating. She came out of the bathroom last night and announced with a purr, "I just shaved my pussy. Do you know what that means?"
"Yeah," I answered, not looking up from my Golf Digest, "the fucking drain in the bathtub is plugged up again."

Two Dinosaurs holding hands on a beach watching a ship sail away into the sunset.

One turns to the other and says "That Noah's a Cunt"

A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
"How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!"

"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then Koni" she said.
I replied.." well, no, but how can you tell?"
She said.." look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my fanny and we'll start again"

The Pearly Gates



A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

A Tibetan astrologer has predicted that England will win the Euro's this year.
This is by far the best proof that astrology is a load of fucking bollocks!

The Traffic Warden’s funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral a voice from inside screams

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too friggin late pal, the paperwork’s already done"

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?"
Jack was amazed.

"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them.

The first one is on the house

Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia.

I was involved in very organised crim