Jokes

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money.

I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…

“Mr Cook?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!

My doctor told me today I need to watch my drinking.

I now drink in front of a mirror.

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat blow job today.

"Really!?"

"No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...."

That'll teach her to try to be funny...

I was kissing a girl outside a pub last night.

Things were getting heated and it seemed like my luck was in.

"Would you like a wank?" she asked.

"Oh yeh!" I replied.

"I'll be in the bar when you've finished." She said.

My friend just put a disc in my PS4 roughly.

"Be careful when you're slotting it in!" I said.

He chuckled to himself and replied, "that's what your mum said last night."

Funny, I didn't even know she had a PS4.

I Said to the wife ..............
"How about a long romantic walk along the country lanes and along by the river ?"
"Awwwwwww..............That would be so sweet "..She replied.
I said "Good coz its your turn to walk the bloody dog !!"

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
Connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving People a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.