Jokes

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
“Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber.
“That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple,
"I have invented a new machine that you might want to try,
it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father."
So the married couple decided that they would try this.
So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said
"I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said
"why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them
"this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready
"so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband did not feel a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor,
but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU, tubes entering different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about your husband's new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry.

So she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so, the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed,and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!"

" USE MORE PAPER ON ARSE!!!"

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."


"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"


"Fuck off you cunt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.


I love working in the prison canteen.

A man and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” Then stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.

“I was in bed,” she replied.

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk.

As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.

Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.

The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?”

Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’