Jokes

Koni pulls up at the lights next to a lovely young blonde girl, he smiles
and lowers his window.


She smiles back and lowers her window, so Koni leans across and says ...


"Have you just farted as well ?!!!"

A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem, which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever he was in the mood. The sheik would nod and the track star would take off. This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner died at age 36. The sheik lived to be 96. The moral of the story: Sex doesn't kill you. It's the running after it that does.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.

He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.

Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that. The 4th nun replies, "Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it."

I had sex with a Chinese woman last night.

It was great, but an hour later I was STILL horny!

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."

Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven.

One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?"

"I had a heart attack."

"How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots.

When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack."

"That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex.

He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."

The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest. He then asked his second daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."