Jokes

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father

A man was driving down the road with his monkey in the back of his van.

He sees a hitchhiker and picks him up. They were going down the road talking, when the monkey came flying up front and unzipped the drivers pants and goes to town on him.

The man slaps the monkey and makes him go to the back of the van. A few minutes later the same thing happens.

The hitchhiker said "Man that is amazing I have never seen anything like that"

The driver says " Do you want to try it?" The hitchhiker said "Yes, But don't hit me that hard!"

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.

When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.

"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.

Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.

After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday."

"True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose."

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

Little Timmy was the only child of a Christian family. One day Timmy's dad comes home from work and Timmy rushes up to meet him. "Dad, dad, mummy nearly got raptured today" "How do you know that, Timmy"? Dad replies...

"I was in the other room when I heard mum screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming' " I reckon she'd have been a gonna for certain if our local vicar hadn't have been there to hold her down"

Dad fainted...

What do you call an undercover pug?

Indognito.

I'll get my coat

Traded in the bed for a trampoline.

The missus hit the roof.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

People always tell me how rude they think it is when people play loud music in public so I was really surprised when people got mad at me for putting a stop to it.

They always tell things like, "Get off the stage!" and "I paid good money for these tickets!"

Rude people are like dicks.

They pop up for no reason, and they all need a good pounding.