Jokes

I'm always hard at work.

But Human Resources keeps telling me that it's extremely inappropriate to have erections at the office.

So a woman walks into a pet store and sees a parrot on sale for £50.

Now, a parrot is a pretty expensive bird, so she asks the man behind the counter why the bird was on sale, and he tells her; "Well the bird used to live in a brothel, so sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things."

The woman thinks for a minute, and says, "I guess that's fine. I'll take him".

So she brings the bird home and sets its cage up near the front door.

When he knows what's going on he says, "new house, new madame!" The woman thinks to herself, "it came from a brothel, so I guess it's just learning".

The woman's daughters get home from school and the bird says, "new house, new girls, new madame!".

"It will just take time" she thinks.

Then the woman's husband gets home and the bird says, "hi Jeff!"

A flying saucer lands in the middle of a farm one evening.

The farmer and his wife witness the landing and decide to investigate, discovering a male and female Martian couple aboard the craft. Being friendly, the farm couple invites the Martians to dinner back at the farmhouse.

One glass of wine turns into several, the conversation turns raunchy, and the couples decide to swap partners for the night.

Later on the human female is lying naked in the bed and the Martian male drops his pants. She's shocked that his penis resembles a pen cap in shape and size and scowls.

The Martian says, "Watch this!" while he yanks on his left ear. His member engorges to a foot long. He then yanks on his right ear, and his dick swells to the diameter of a Pringles can. The two make passionate love all night.

The next morning, the human wife asks her husband how the night went. He said, "Not that great, all she did was play with my ears!"

A man works at the Branston Pickle factory, and comes home at lunch time one day.

His wife asks, "why are you home so early?"

To which he replies, "I got fired. I got caught putting my willy in the pickle slicer."

The wife thinks this is absolutely obscene and horrible - so she immediately pulls his pants down and whips out his cock. It's fine.

She sighs a sigh of relief, but asks the question, "what happened to the pickle slicer?"

So the husband replies, "yeah, she was fired as well."

Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town.
As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said, "I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it."
So Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof" Mike turned into a hotel.

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door."

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid, make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered.

A man buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people who fib and tests it out at dinner. He asks his son, “Did you go to school today?”

The son replies, “Yes,” and the robot slaps him. The sons says, “All right, I went to the movies.”

The father asks, “What did you see?” and the son replies, “Toy Story 3.” The robot slaps him again, and the son says, “OK, OK! It was Anal Gang Bang 3.”

His father snorts and says, “When I was your age we didn’t know what porn was.” This time the robot slaps the father.

The mother sputters in her coffee and retorts, “Ha! He’s your son, after all,” and the robot slaps her.

So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means?

It’s not the end of the world.