Jokes

What do anniversaries, the toilet bowl and the clitoris all have in common?

Men usually miss all of them.

Me: "Why did you marry me?"

My wife: "Because you are so funny".

Me: "I thought it was because I am so good in bed"

My Wife: "You see? You are hilarious"

I can’t believe how this virus is pulling this great country together.
I’m having a fun water fight with my neighbour who’s a Man United fan.

I’m just waiting for the kettle to boil..

A passenger plane is flying through the air when it loses all engines.

Before the plane crashes a woman traveller stands up and screams out "I want to die feeling like I am a woman!!"

She proceeds to rip off all her clothes and says "Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a woman?"

A bloke in the back stands up, rips off his shirt and says "iron this!".

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother fuckers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired.

He started the conversation with: "Miss Smythe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

Guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender brings him his drink and he pushes it aside and orders another. When the second drink arrives, he starts to drink it down.

For the next several hours, this same thing goes on. He waits a while... orders a drink... pushes it aside and then orders a second one and then starts to drink the second when it arrives.

After several hours of this and many drinks still lined up on the bar, the bartender finally decides to ask why the guy is doing this.

The guy starts to explain... "well, for the past few months I've been going to those AA meetings. Now, they have all these ideas about the 12 steps and such. I'm a simple guy and not too sure I understand it all, but the one thing they really push is to make sure you don't take that first drink..."

A cannibal invited a cannibal friend over for supper one evening.

While enjoying the soup, the friend said, "Your wife sure makes a great soup!".

The host replied, "Yes, and I'm really going to miss her."