Jokes

A couple sat watching television


Husband keeps flicking channels


GOLF


PORN


GOLF


PORN


GOLF


PORN


GOLF


PORN


Wife says, " for fucks sake, LEAVE IT ON THE PORN ,


you know how to play GOLF."

Your mum's so big, NASA are going to use her arse to protect the world from meteors.

What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster? My zip

A gay couple are having sex, then when their done one of them says " I'm going to run to the shops to get more cigarettes and condoms. Whatever you do while i'm gone, don't have a wank!"
So he goes to the shop and gets back about 20mins later to find cum all over the bedroom walls, lampshade and floor.
Furiously he shouts "I thought I told you not to have a fucking wank!"
The other guy replies "I didn't, I farted!"

Your mum's so fat, once she fell off a boat, and the Captain yelled "Land Ahoy"

your mum is so fat, she caused the japan tsunami after going swimming

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

This joke is a bit rude so if your easily offended please don't read on.

A postman is doing his last delivery round before he retires and at every house he goes to he gets given a present. He arrives at a house where a busty blonde opens the door wearing a dressing gown and invites him in.

They go into the hallway and he gives her the post. She puts the post down and unties the dressing gown to reveal she's naked underneath and let's it slide to the floor.

She says to him "here's your present" and pulls down his trousers and underpants. She then gives him a blowjob until his knees buckle and he collapses to the floor.

When he does she gets on top of him and rides him in the hallway till they both have an orgasm. Afterwards they get dressed and she gives him a fiver. When the postman asks why have you given me a fiver the busty blonde says "I asked my husband what to do for your present earlier and he said fuck the postman and give him a fiver"

My wife said "why's the laptop all sticky" I said "it's not what you think it's" she said "how did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop" I said "it's not easy eating ice cream while your having a wank"

An old cowboy goes to a bar and orders a drink. As he sits there supping his whiskey, a young lady sits next to him. "Are you a real cowboy?" she asks. He replies "well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am." The woman then says "Well I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower I think about women. In fact everything seems to make me think about women." The woman then leaves. A little while later a man sits next to the old cowboy. "Are you a real cowboy?" he asks. The cowboy replies "well, I thought I was... but I just found out I was a lesbian."