Jokes

i just opened my freezer and saw a little alien having a wank . i said " what the fuck you doing ?" He said i cum in pea's "

(07-03-2011 18:12 )ALI 35 Wrote:  I remember when courting i used to pull my wife's knickers 2 one side 2 get at her arse " Now i have to pull her arse to one side 2 get at her knickers .

In similar vein, mrs w was considering getting a boob job but wondered if there was anything cheaper than the £4,000 being charged by the clinic.

"Why don't you try rubbing toilet paper between them?" I suggested
Puzzled, she asked "would that make them bigger?"

"Well", I said "it certainly worked on your arse!"

Courtesy of Ree Petra's Twitter feed -

Scientists have found that women have the same DNA as shrimp. Their heads are full of shit but their pink bits taste lovely!
~~~
I'm in hospital... Don't panic. I've just poisoned myself. I ate what i thought was an onion. Turned out it was a daffodil bulb.I should be out in the spring.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Paddy is working on a building site and complains about his whellbarrow to the foreman "the thing is, boss, it keeps going 'squeek..........waap..........waaap...........squeek........waa​p......waaaap....."

The foreman ponders on this for a moment then tells Paddy to collect his stuff and get off the site because he's fired. "What on earth for??" protests Paddy.

"Because it should be going 'squuekwaapwaaaapsqueekwaapwaaap'..."

A prostitute is standing on a street corner when a punter comes along and asks how much. Upon being told it's thirty quid he checks his pockets and says that he's only got a fiver. The girl is none too impressed but it's been a very quiet night, she needs the business so she takes his fiver and leads him into the alleyway for a quickie.

A few minutes later they re-emerge and just as the bloke is about to leave he turns back, looks at her, and says: "that was absolutely fantastic.....if I'd known that you were a virgin I would have paid you a hundred quid!"

As he walks off into the distance he doesn't hear the girl mutter "and if I'd known that you had a hundred quid I would have taken my knickers off"!

i've got a sponge door, hey, don't knock it!

well im a week on this site so i think i will say a bit about myself - i like old movies, walks in the country good conversation and - oh hang on wrong website - OH SHIT!!!!!! WHAT DID I JUST POST ON MATCH.COM

if you're an earl, and you get an O.B.E do you become an earlobe?

is will young?
(not really a joke per se, but funny nonetheless... what do you mean it ain't funny!?)

i went to see my nan as a small boy, and i said "nan, stop dressing up as a small boy, for crying out loud!" lol