Jokes

What did the spider say to the computer?

“Check out my new website!”

What did the envelope say to the stamp?

“Stick with me, and we’ll go places!”

Apparently one in three people suffer from paranoia. The other two are watching them.

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

An abdominal snowman!

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing, but it let out a little wine!

Why doesn't Santa use the NHS?
Cos he has private elf insurance.

I'll get my coat

I dated a psychic once.

But she broke up with me before we met

A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train." T

he farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom.

The Office Aquarium

Brenda, the office manager, was known for her strict adherence to the company's "no pets" policy. One Monday morning, Dave was walking past her immaculate, highly organized desk.

He glanced over, saw a small, tasteful glass bowl, and kept walking.

First Thought: Oh, a little desk garden. That's nice.

Three steps later, Dave suddenly froze in the hallway. A chilling realization washed over him. He slowly turned, his face a mask of disbelief, and took a sharp double take back at Brenda’s desk.

He marched back to her cube.

"Brenda," he whispered, pointing at the bowl, "Is that a... goldfish?"

Brenda looked up from her spreadsheet, smiled sweetly, and pointed to a tiny, meticulously written label taped to the bowl.

Dave squinted to read the tiny cursive: "Employee Wellness Initiative. Emotional Support Lemonade."

Dave looked at the bowl again. It was clearly a goldfish.

"But... Brenda," Dave stammered, "That's a fish. It's moving."

Brenda sighed, tapping her pen. "Mr. Harrison," she said firmly, "The policy states 'no pets.' This is an aquatic coworker. And he is currently in a performance review."

Dave blinked, did one last confused glance at the 'Employee Wellness Initiative,' and decided it was safer just to go back to his cubicle.