Jokes

A pirate and his newest sailor were at a bar, when the sailor noticed all the captain's scars.

How did you get the wooden leg? - asked the sailor.

I was fightin' four sharks, I caught three, but one stayed 'n tore me leg off.

How did you get the hook?

I was fightin' five sharks, I caught four, but one stayed 'n swallowed me hand.

And how did you get the eye patch?

I was admirin' the sky when a seagull came 'n pooped in me eye.

Is this simply how you lost your eye?

See, 'twas me first day wit' the hook...

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between £499.00 and £699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

Situational Gags

• I walked into a coat shop and asked for something dramatic.
They handed me a cape and whispered, “Say no more.”
• My coat keeps whispering secrets to me.
Turns out it’s a parka with a dark past.
• I wore my coat backwards by accident.
Now everyone thinks I’m leaving dramatically.

This guy always smoked two cigarettes at a time.

If anyone ever asked him why, he would always answer, “I’m smoking one for myself and one for my brother who is in jail.”

One day he was only smoking one cigarette. Someone asked him “Is your brother out of jail?”

He replied, “No, I quit.”

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.

The Putter orders a beer, the Wedge orders a whisky.

The bartender asks the third one if he wants anything.

He replies, “No thanks, I’m the Driver.”

Puns & Wordplay

• Why did the coat go to therapy?
It had too many hang-ups.
• What do you call a coat that tells dad jokes?
A puncho.
• Why did the trench coat start a podcast?
It had layers to unpack.

What did the envelope say to the stamp?

“Stick with me, and we’ll go places!”

What did the spider say to the computer?

“Check out my new website!”

Did you hear about the woman who always slept on a chandelier?

She was a light sleeper.

Two fleas were living in a dog's fur when the dog starts scratching furiously.

one turns to the other and says : "Looks like we're being evicted!"