Jokes

The School Trip to the Petting Zoo

Mr. Thompson took Year 7 on a trip to the local petting zoo. His instructions were clear:
“No running, no screaming, and absolutely no feeding the animals your lunch.”
But Year 7 had the energy of a thousand espresso shots.
Within 10 minutes:
- Billy tried to ride a goat like a horse.
- Priya fed her cheese sandwich to a sheep, which then chased her for the pickle.
- And Jordan—oh Jordan—decided to challenge a llama to a staring contest.
The llama won.
Then spat directly into Jordan’s mouth.
Jordan screamed.
The llama screamed.
Mr. Thompson screamed louder.
They evacuated the petting zoo.
The llama now has a restraining order.
Back at school, the headteacher asked Mr. Thompson how it went.
He replied:
“Well, no one died. But I think the llama needs therapy.”

Just been to Tesco's with the wife and totally out of the blue she said "What a lazy bastard you are"

I almost fell out of the trolley!!!

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag.

Good thing it changed, since “pound me too” would’ve been sending the wrong message.

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge £1,200 for it.

The Four Couples Holiday That Went Off the Rails - part 1

Four couples booked a luxury villa in Spain for a group getaway.
They imagined sunsets, sangria, and serenity.
What they got was:
- Couple 1: Forgot their passports. Spent the first two days in airport purgatory, living off vending machine peanuts and passive-aggressive texts.
- Couple 2: Had a blazing row over who packed the wrong adapter. Turns out neither did. The villa had no electricity. It was listed as “eco-retreat.” Translation: a shed with curtains.
- Couple 3: Tried to salvage the trip with a romantic hike. Got lost. Called for help. The Spanish rescue team found them arguing over whether moss grows on the north side.
- Couple 4: Stayed behind to relax in the “hot tub.” It was actually a kiddie pool filled with lukewarm hose water and one suspicious frog.
By Day 3:
- The fridge broke.
- The toilet exploded (don’t ask).
- And someone accidentally booked a flamenco class that turned out to be flamingo yoga. Yes, with actual flamingos. One of them bit Dave.
They all flew home early, silent and sunburnt.
The group WhatsApp is now just memes and receipts.

I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor for a headache?

The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out until he had £1,999.

Then the doctor said, “No wonder you’re not feeling two grand!”

(Part 2 Follow-up funny joke story from the first couple's holiday disasters.)

The Four Couples Holiday: The Nudist Resort Incident

After last year’s disaster, the group vowed:
“No frogs. No flamingos. No eco-sheds.”
This time, they booked a five-star resort in Greece.
The photos looked amazing: infinity pool, spa, beach access.
They arrived.
The receptionist greeted them with a smile and said:
“Welcome to Elysium Naturalis—where you can be your truest, most unclothed self.”
They blinked.
Couple 1 whispered, “Did she say unclothed?”
Couple 2 checked the booking.
Turns out Dave (yes, bitten-by-a-flamingo Dave) had clicked “adults only naturist resort” thinking it meant no kids and lots of nature.
It meant no clothes. At all.
Couple 3 tried to play it cool. “We’re open-minded,” they said.
Then got chased by a naked man doing tai chi with a baguette.
Couple 4 refused to leave the room.
They ordered room service and asked for “extra towels.”
The waiter arrived wearing only a smile and a strategically placed olive.
By Day 2:
• Dave joined a volleyball game and discovered why nudist sports are not televised.
• Priya tried the spa, but the massage therapist kept saying “let the breeze guide you” while doing interpretive dance.
• Jordan got sunburnt in places no lotion should ever go.
They left early. Again.
This time, the WhatsApp group was renamed:
“Fully Clothed Holidays Only.”

(Part 3 Follow-up funny joke story from the first couple's holiday disasters.)

The Four Couples Holiday: The Accidental Pirate Cruise

After the nudist resort fiasco, the group agreed:
“No land. No surprises. Just a peaceful cruise.”
They booked a Mediterranean voyage called “The Buccaneer’s Bliss.”
Dave said, “Sounds classy. Probably themed around luxury.”
It was themed, alright.
Pirates. Full immersion. No escape.
They boarded the ship and were immediately handed eye patches, foam swords, and a contract that read:
“Ye agree to speak only in pirate tongue for the duration of ye voyage.”
Couple 1 tried to protest.
The captain shouted, “Mutiny!” and locked them in the brig (which was just a broom closet with a parrot named Kevin).
Couple 2 got seasick during the daily cannon reenactment.
Turns out the cannons were real.
So was the guy named “One-Eyed Barry” who kept challenging Dave to arm-wrestling matches at breakfast.
Couple 3 tried to relax in the hot tub.
It was filled with rum.
Jordan slipped, fell in, and emerged smelling like a distillery.
Couple 4 attempted to escape during a port stop in Sicily.
They were caught and sentenced to “deck-swabbing duty” by a man dressed as Blackbeard who insisted on singing sea shanties at 6am.
By Day 4:
• Dave had a tattoo that said “Yo Ho No” in Comic Sans.
• Priya was crowned “Queen of the Plank” after winning a limbo contest.
• Jordan started referring to himself as “Captain Moistbeard.”
They finally disembarked, kissed the ground, and swore off group holidays forever.
The WhatsApp group is now called:
“We Travel Separately Now.”

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.