Jokes

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii? Or just a-lo-ha?

I came home early to find my girlfriend pleasuring herself with a large cucumber.

Eh you selfish cow, I was looking forward to eating that later..

But now it’s going to taste of cucumber!

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why not?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."

A man was eating at a restaurant when he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are always prepared.”

Sure enough, not a few minutes later, the man dropped his spoon, and his server was at the ready to hand him a new one.

Eating his soup, the man noticed the male servers all had two strings dangling from the front of their pants. Again curious, the man stopped his server to ask.

“Funny—at the same seminar our manager found out we could be a lot more efficient going to the bathroom if we had one string to pull down the zipper and another to pull out our ... ahem ... ‘item.’ This way we don’t have to wash our hands and we can get right back to work.”

“Fascinating,” said the man. “But uhhh how do you get it back in?”

The server looks around and leans in to whisper “well I don’t know about anyone else, but I use the spoon.”

A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Suzy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" She says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either, but I'd really like someone to use fascinate."

Little Johnny had his hand waving the whole time, and the teacher knew he's usually naughty but how could he mess up the word fascinate, so she called on him.

"My Aunt Jenny always wears a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8!"

I just watched a fascinating documentary about labyrinths.


It was amazing.

I find whiteboards to be absolutely fascinating.


They're remarkable.

Only days into the latest lockdown and I told my Mrs I was bored.
She suggested that I make a bird table.
Now she is proper kicking off because she is only 8th on it and 3 places behind her sister.

Ann Summers has announced it's going to start selling a 5.3% alcohol lager-flavoured gel for women to apply to their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears that it will lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream.