Jokes

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?"

"Heeelllppp!"
There's a scream from the bedroom, the husband runs in, and there's a guy jumping out of the window.
His wife says, "Whaa! That guy just f**ked me twice!"
Her husband says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he f**ked you once?"
She says, "Because I thought it was you ... until he started for the second one."

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die.

A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that.

The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

Patient: Doctor, I think I'm going deaf.
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Patient: Well, they're a cartoon family on television.