Jokes

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I can't stop tripping.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
FROSTBITE!!

Did you see the fight between Father Christmas and the dragon?

Don't worry Santa sleighed it

They say one person in every group of friends has the potential to be a serial killer

So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it’s him

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Just his fingers

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh

" The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later he taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear --------

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"