Jokes

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up.

“What’s the matter?” asks the guy.

She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $50 for sex.”

The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out $50, pays her, and they have sex.

Afterward, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $75."

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”

Two days later her doorbell rings. She opens the door, but is puzzled when she doesn't see anyone.

Suddenly she hears a voice and looks down.

“Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.”

“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

On my way to work this morning walking passed Covent Garden I came across a busker playing a medley of 'Mama-Mia' & 'Waterloo' on the didgeridoo.I thought to myself 'That's Abba-riginal'.

Duck 1: "Quick!"

Duck 2: "fuckin' 'ell, he's pissed again..."

My wife and I just had a massive argument, I confronted her and asked why I found two broken condoms on the couch!

She, is insisting I call our children by their real names!

Me "I watched a TV programme earlier with all those cheap nasty antiques on it"

"Bargain Hunt?" my mate replied

"No, Loose women!"