Jokes

What do a pigs tail and getting up at 4.30am have in common?

They are both twirly.

I have just seen an incredibly loud Abba tribute in the shopping centre.
You could hear the drums from Nandos.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The curious undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance."

Who are credited as among the smartest people around - Unemployed jesters as they are nobodies fool.

As I walked into the supermarket earlier today some random guy jumped out in front of me & threw 2 pints of milk,a pint of cream & a tub of butter at me. -How dairy.

The electrician next door has joined Hare Krishna. He goes around all day going “ohm..ohm”

My mate died after taking an E.

Countdown's security staff don't fuck about.

My cockney girlfriend farted last night and it smelled strongly of Turkish Delight...

Unfortunately that’s rhyming slang..

TIP.....

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

I went into Primark earlier today to buy a pair of camouflage trousers but couldn't find any.