Jokes

I was snooping through my mum’s things and I found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs.

I can’t believe it!!!

My mum’s a super hero.

Q). What's the difference between a Candle and a Curry..???

A). A Candle only Burns at One End!

Did you know that bum sex is still illegal in Iceland?

Not sure if it's the same in Farmfoods so be careful.

Accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day.

My trial starts on Monday.

I told my wife I was horny! "We can soon sort that out" she said winking and undressing. She was right. I stopped feeling horny immediately.

At the French immigration desk the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry – on bag.
“You have been to France before monsieur?” the immigration officer asked sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted that he had been to France before.
“Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready.”
The elderly gentleman says, “The last time I was here I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible monsieur! The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”
The elderly gentleman gave the immigration officer along hard look.
Then he quietly explained: “The last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944
And I could find no fucking Frenchman to show it to then.”

I had been unemployed for some time and was in dire need of money, I saw an advert for a joiner, had no joinery skills whatsoever but thought to myself I'll learn on the job how hard can it be?

On my first day I went down to the yard and saw the supervisor

"Good to see you, lets get started. I need you to go to no. 27 Jamaica Street. They need a three story wooden spiral staircase, off you go."

So am standing there at no. 27 all the timber there, all the tools laid out without a clue what to do. So I did the only thing I could do, I hit my hand with a hammer, went to A&E and then back to the yard

"Supervisor I've gone and injured my hand and I can't work"

"Jesus, you ok? Right you best take 2 weeks off with pay"

2 weeks pass and I go back to the yard and see the Supervisor

"Good to see back again, I need you down at no. 9 Argyll Street they need a three story wooden spiral staircase, off you go."

Once again I find myself with no clue what to do, so I hit my foot with the hammer, go to A&E and back to the yard

"Jesus, you ok? Right this time you'll need to take 4 weeks off with pay"

The 4 weeks pass and I go back to the yard and see the supervisor

"Oh thank goodness you are here, we're really swamped. I need you to go to no. 114 Hilton Avenue, they need a three story wooden spiral staircase"

"For fuck sake! Am I the only cunt here that knows how to do a three story wooden spiral staircase?"

What does a man with a 2ft cock have for breakfast?

This morning, i had a boiled egg!

(Been a very, very long while this I even posted a joke so since gonna be X-mas next week I thought I post this funny rhyming joke Police Officer night joke)

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation, Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation.
The stockings were hung on the wall with great care, Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.
I was working the night shift compiling stats, Answering the phone, and feeding the rat.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter! I opened the door with a creek and a crick, And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick. I had seen his picture a time or two, He was wanted: Article 27 - Section 342.
I threw open the door and commanded him "Freeze!" "Put your hands on you head and get down on your knees."
But he turned and he ran, up the chimney he flew, With me in pursuit, toward Booth St. I knew.
When we got to the roof Santa made for his sleigh, Throwing down toys and blocking my way.
As I got to the peak, he threw down some crack, I slipped and I fell landing flat on my back.
To my front I was faced with a toy M-1 tank, And Pink Power Rangers covering my flank.
"On Dasher, on Dancer!", he cried loud and clear. Then I got off three rounds and dropped the lead deer.
And I heard Santa say as he sailed into the blue, "Merry Christmas to all! My Lawyers will sue!"