Jokes

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.


You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!

I used to make clown shoes... which was no small feat...

I nearly had an affair with Amanda Lynn, but there were strings attached.

My mother obviously thought I was a contortionist when I was a boy because she always used to say to me "Look at the dirt on the back of your neck."

A religious woman got a job in my local pub - I have to say she's the best bar nun.

Wife: "Come on then, sexy. What would you most like to do with my body?" Husband: "Identify it."

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

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What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.

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After a meal Dad says, 'good thing we ate when we did, because I'm not a bit hungry now!'

Two old people were walking along the road. A traffic warden approached them and pointed at a car, and said they were parked in the wrong space.

The old couple denied it but the traffic warden wrote out a ticket.

The old man protested in a volley of colourful swearwords but the traffic warden simply stuck the ticket on the car.

The old man then shrugged and turned to his wife and said "Lucky for us we came on the bus."

Looking back, Kel’s orange soda fetish is kind of weird. Wonder what his FANTAsies were?

What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

A blind man walks into a bar... And a table.... And a chair....

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere....

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground
controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing
her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

When a husband and wife appeared in a divorce court, the judge asked: "And what are the grounds for this divorce?"

The husband replied: "We live in a two-storey house."

"A two-storey house" exclaimed the judge. "Since when has living in a two-storey house been suitable grounds for divorce?"

"Well your honour" replied the husband, "one story is I've got a headache, and the other story is "It's that time of the month."