Jokes

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh God please somebody help me!”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.

How do you teach a blonde maths?
Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution, and hope she doesn't multiply.

Why are middle-aged women like MTV?
They get turned on about once a month, and you've had enough after about 15 minutes.

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

Did you hear about the man who bought a Casio keyboard that would only play Wagner? It was a Nazi Synthesizer.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
One hundred people who don't do dick.

What do you call a blond with half a brain?
Gifted

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.
''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.
A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''

You know how at Starbucks they scribble your name down on the cup so the staff member at the other end can call it out?
Yeah, well my mate Clint doesn't go there any more....


Me and my mates make music by farting tunes.
We're a gas trick band....


I believe that I am a pussy magnet.
Because I always seem to be surrounded by cunts...

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “fuck.”

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise -- “What the fuck are you doing here?”
2) Fraud -- “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3) Resignation -- “Oh, fuck it!”
4) Trouble -- “I guess I'm fucked now.”
5) Aggression -- “FUCK YOU!”
6) Disgust -- “Fuck me.”
7) Confusion -- “What the fuck...?”
8) Difficulty -- “I don't understand this fucking business!”
9) Despair -- “Fucked again....”
10) Pleasure -- “I fucking couldn't be happier.”
11) Displeasure -- “What the fuck is going on here?”
12) Lost -- “Where the fuck are we?”
13) Disbelief -- “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!”
14) Retaliation -- “Up your fucking ass!”
15) Denial -- “I didn't fucking do it.”
16) Perplexity -- “I know fuck-all about it.”
17) Apathy -- “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
18) Greetings -- “How the fuck are ya?”
19) Suspicion -- “Who the fuck are you?”
20) Panic -- “Let's get the fuck out of here.”
21) Directions -- “Fuck off.”
22) Awe -- “How the fuck did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description -- “He's a fucking asshole.” It can be used to tell time -- “It's five fucking thirty.” It can be used in business -- “How did I wind up with this fucking job?” It can be maternal -- “Motherfucker.” It can be political -- “Fuck Clinton!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?” -- Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” -- General Custer
“That's not a real fucking gun, is it?” -- John Lennon
“Who's gonna fucking find out?” -- Richard Nixon
“Why the fuck did that apple hit me?” -- Issac Newton
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” -- Marie Antoinette
“I could have used a fucking map.” -- Ulysses
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” -- Captain of the Titanic
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” -- Albert Einstein
“It DOES SO fucking look like her!” -- Picasso
“Okay, I know... we'll build this BIG fucking wall to keep them out.” -- Emperor of the Ch'in Dynasty
“I can't believe I just fucking said that.” -- Patrick Henry
“Fucking backstabbers!” -- Julius Caesar
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” -- Michelangelo
“Fellatio is not fucking!” -- Bill Clinton
“Where is that fucking pizza guy?” -- Elvis
“Why? Because its fucking there!” -- Sir Edmund Hilary
“I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?” -- Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” -- Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” -- John F. Kennedy
“What are the fucking chances I'm going to heaven?” -- Adolf Hitler
“Hey, where the fuck are your turbans?” -- Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”.

Tommy runs into class late. "I'm sorry miss" he says, "i'm late because i had to make my own breakfast this morning."

The teacher accepts his excuse but as a punishment makes him stand at the front of the class and answer some geography questions.

"Now Tommy" says the teacher. "Tell me where the Scottish border is?"

"In bed with mum", replies Tommy. "That's why i had to make my own breakfast."

A video game developer dies and goes to heaven. Before he can enter, he appears before a council of angels who have to decide whether he will be sent to heaven or hell.
The man asks the head angel if he can see hell to get an idea. The head angel agrees and shows him a video about hot beaches and girls in bikinis. The man immediately wishes to be sent to hell.
When he arrives there, he gets surrounded by devils who start torturing him. He screams out: "what are you doing? I thought there would be girls in bikinis here!"
The devils laugh and say: "that was a demo version!"


In my theology exam we were asked "What name, derived from the medievel latin term meaning "place bordering on hell", refers to a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past, or out of date?"
I guessed Belgium!!

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

A man is visting his mother in a mental hospital when he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.

"Excuse me" he asks him. "What are you doing?"
"I'm driving my car" says the guy excitedly. "Beep, Beep"

"You're not in a car mate, you're in a bed in a mental hospital"

A Voice comes from the bed opposite: " Mate shut the f**k up, will you. He's paying me £20 a day to wash it."

A new prisoner was introduced to his cellmate. "I'll take you through what happens during the week said the inmate. "Sundays we go to church. Do you like church?"
"No Not much"
"Mondays we play cards. Do you like cards?"
"No not much"
Tuesdays we play football. Do you like football?"
"No not much"
"Wednesdays we play snooker. Do you like snooker?
"No not much"
"God, you're hard to please, aren't you? Do you like sex?"
"Yeah"
"With men or women?"
"Women"
"So you don't like sex with men?"
"No way"
"Then you're not going to like Thursdays either."