Jokes

I asked my blonde girlfriend to look at the price of taxis for tonight earlier.
"Everywhere I've looked is really expensive," she said.
"What sort of price are we talking?" I asked.
"Well, the best I could find was a 2002 black cab, only 20,000 on the clock for about fifteen grand" she replied.


I walked into the pub at midnight last night and all around me there were cheers and people singing Auld Lang Syne.
"What the fuck is going on?" I asked a man stood at the bar.
"We're celebrating the arrival of 2013", he answered.
"That's all well and good but you're late", I replied, looking at my watch. "2013 was three hours and forty seven minutes ago."


I thought Finding Nemo 2 was bullshit with no storyline and lasted far too long...
That was until I woke up still pissed facing my aquarium...

Three women were discussing birth control.

The First said, "We're Catholic so we don't practice it.

The second said, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method.

The third said, "Me too, but we use the bucket and saucer method.

"What's that? asked the others.

"Well, i'm five feet eleven inches tall and my husband is five foot two inches. We make love standing up, with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, i kick the bucket out from under him."

My wife slumped down in the bed and said "Thank fuck that's over for another year".
I said "I know, Christmas can be so stressful.".
She said "I was talking about the sex"...

As I staggered into the house last night, my wife said, "If you ever come home early from the pub, I'll die of shock."
"Stop trying to fucking bribe me", I slurred...

New year's resolutions:
1) Go on a diet
2) Start shaving my pubes more often
3) Have more sex
4) Be more adventurous in the bed room
Well that's my wifes New Years resolution done, now to make a start on my own..

"Doctor, I keep thinking i'm a cowboy."
"How long have you had these feelings?"
"Oh, about a yeehah."

A woman went to the doctor's with a bad cough.
The doctor said, "Do you ever get a tickle in the morning?"
"Well i used too, but now they've changed the postman."

A man hears a knock on the door. He opens it to be confronted by a policeman who informs him his teenage daughter has been found drunk, slumped over Hadrian's wall. The man shouts to his wife:
"What did i tell you, i knew she was becoming a borderline alcoholic."

A man is hitchhiking on the motorway, when along comes an 18 wheeler. It pulls up, the hitcher runs up to the truck and jumps in. There sits the driver and beside him is his pet monkey.

"Great looking monkey," said the hitcher.

"Yeah, he's great company and he looks after you too. Check this shit out."

The trucker punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey duly bends down, unzips the trucker's fly, goes down, and goes to work on the truckers manhood with real vigour.

Once the trucker has shot his cargo all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his fly and sits back down in his little seat.

"That's Great!" says the by-now quite interested hitcher. "Can i give it a try?"

"Sure why not" says the trucker.

"Ok but just one thing though" says the hitcher.

"Whats that?" asks the trucker.

"There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."

A young Swedish au pair had been working for the Johnson family for more than a year. While hard working and efficient, she still struggled with English.

One day she told Mrs Johnson that she had recieved good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming visit me from army next week!"

"That's wonderful," Mrs Johnson replied. "How long is his furlough?"

"Oh" the au pair said, about long as Mr Johnson's. Maybe a little thicker."

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

A plane with Mike Tyson, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a Hippie on board is about to crash and there are only three parachutes.

Tyson stands up and says: " I was heavyweight champion of the world and no one messes with me, so i'm having a parachute." He grabs one, straps up and jumps out of the plane.

Bill Gates stands up and says: " Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man, and i should have a parachute also." So he grabs one straps up and jumps out.

The Delai Lama and the Hippie look at one another, and The Delai Lama says:
"My son. I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of true enlightenment. You have your whole life ahead of you. You take the parachute and i will go down with the plane."

The Hippie smiles and says: " Don't sweat it, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out using my backpack."

What did Demba Ba say when he woke up on Christmas Day? "Ba- Humbug, it bloody Christmas already!!!"

You can't trust atoms
They make up everything...

"Anal bleaching"
Because some arseholes need to lighten up...

Movies are so fake these days.
I just sat and watched a film where a guy uses a laptop to access an alien space ship and not once did it ask him to perform windows updates!!!

I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy soddin Tesco Value toilet roll....