Jokes

What should you do when you see your husband staggering?
Shoot him again.

A police officer stops a man and asks him for his license.
Officer: It says that you need to be wearing glasses.
Man: Well, I do have contacts.
Officer: I could care less who you know! You’re still getting a ticket!

What’s the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks the blood out of people at night.

A man is walking down a country lane one night when he has a sudden urge for sex. He sees a pumpkin patch in a field and figures that as its soft inside it wil be the next best thing. He cuts a hole in a pumpkin and starts pleasuring himself. He gets so carried away that he fails to notice that a police car has stopped at the side of the road. A police woman gets out of the car and shines a torch on him.
"Excuse me sir, but if i'm not mistaken, you appear to be screwing a pumpkin."
The man looks horrified. "A pumpkin? Fuck! Is it midnight already?"

"Be Strong" I whispered...
...To my Wi-Fi signal

I brought a kitten home today...
...My wife always wanted a smaller pussy

I don't understand a word of polish,but I knew what these two polish birds at the bar said...
"That dirty bastard just farted."

A wife asks her husband,"Could you please go shopping for me & buy 1 carton of milk & if they have any eggs get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.The wife asks him,"Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied "They had eggs!"

An acid is like a woman: A good one will eat through your pants.

Police arrested two teenagers yesterday,One was drinking battery acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one & let the other one off.

A drunk rushed up the stairs to the fifth floor of a building & jumped out of a window. A crowd gathered around him as he lay on the pavement.A policeman dashed to the spot & knelt beside the man,"What happened?" asked the cop. "Don't ask me," said the drunk "I only just got here myself!"

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness,Have you anything to say in your defence?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Defendant: July15
Lawyer: What year
Defendant: Every year

A boy & a girl are driving through the countryside one evening & suddenly the car stops. "Oh Dear" says the boy "We've ran out of petrol, I'm just going for a pee behind the car." Fearing that this is a plan to get her on the back seat,the girl gets out & walks round to the petrolcap,she smells it to see if there was any petrol,but she can't smell anything so she lights a match to have a look, Bang!! They're both blown into the bushes. "Oh No" she screams, "You better find my handbag,it's got my purse in it," "F*#k your purse!" shouts the boy, "You better find my hand,it's got my prick in it!"

A limo was taking a beautiful model to the airport. Halfway there,a tyre went flat. The model said,"Driver i don't have time to wait for road service.Can you change it yourself?" The driver said "Sure" He got out the car & proceeded to change the tyre,but couldn't get the wheelcover off. The model saw him struggling & asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure,But first i have to change the tyre."

My girlfriend dumped me because she says I'm too specific.
She broke the news to me yesterday at 3.21 pm whilst I was eating a tuna and mayo sandwich in my kitchen, which by the way has red tiles with chequered edging.
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My boss said, "Why are all the women in your office crying?"
I said, "You told me to bang some heads together."
He said, "Talk about taking things too literally!"
So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

Three honeymoon couples were staying in adjoining rooms in a hotel. As he and his wife were getting undressed the first man said:
"Wow! what huge buttocks!"
His wife was furious and threw him out into the corridor.
A few minutes later the second couple were getting undressed.
The second man looked at his wife and said:
"What huge tits!"
She was outraged and threw him out into the corridor.
Five minutes later the two men were joined in the corridor by the third man. They said: "Did you put your foot in it?"
"No, but i could have done."

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for three minutes!”

“Good.” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is naned "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan".
Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon recieving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband replies, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"That's fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."
"You crafty cunt!" said the fairy.
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A woman sits down next to a cowboy in a saloon. She says, "Are you a REAL cowboy?" He replies, "Well, Maam, I brand calves, rope steers, mend fence, ride the range...think about cows a lot of the time...yep...I guess I'm a REAL cowboy."
She says, "I'm a lesbian. I think about women all day, all evening, all the time...I think about making love with women."
They sat there sipping their beers. Then, a man walked in and sat on the other side of the cowboy. He said, "Are you a REAL cowboy?" The cowboy responded, "Well, I THOUGHT I was...but I just found out that I'm really a lesbian."