Jokes

A woman is in at the doctors and he starts feeling her tits.
He says "do you know what i'm doing?", she replies "yes, you're checking for any lumps". "That's right" says the doctor.
He starts fingering her and again asks if she knows what he's doing, she replies "yes, you're examining my pubic region for any abnormalities".
He nods and then sticks his cock inside her, again he asks "do you know what i'm doing?", to which she replies "yes, you're catching herpes, that's the reason i came in here in the first place!"

"Do you charge by size?" I asked the prostitute.

"No love,it's £50 whatever.

"So,10 inches?"

"£50."

"We're in lads!" I shouted to my four mates

When I came home from work,my wife asked me to start on the tea....

....So I squared up to the chops and punched the potatoes.

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

This blonde was walking down a road, when this guy came along. The blond was carrying a bag. The guy goes, ''What are you carrying?'' She goes, ''Melons.'' The guy goes, ''Cool. if I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?'' The blonde giggles and goes, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them

My blonde missus came home angry today,so I told her to go blow off some steam....

....She burnt her lips on the kettle

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished.

When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ''I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms. "

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

Two drunks are walking home along the railway tracks.

The first drunks says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here"

The second drunk says, "I'll tell you whats worse, this handrail is bloody low down".

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale."

This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."

Ole replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale."