Jokes

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!"
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

two blokes in a bar...
1st bloke: I pulled and shagged twins last night
2nd bloke: Fuck me, sounds great but how did you tell them apart?
1st bloke: easy, her brother had a beard!

Paddyfrank Wrote:two blokes in a bar...
1st bloke: I pulled and shagged twins last night
2nd bloke: Fuck me, sounds great but how did you tell them apart?
1st bloke: easy, her brother had a penis!

A man walks into a pub with a piece of tarmac and says: "A pint for me and one for the road"

-whats brown and sticky?
-elton john's wedding ring (bet you weren't expecting that!)

Whats Brown and Hungry?

Heath Ledger's cat.

an irish walks into a pub. 'ouch! where te bejesus did tat come from?'

an irish walks into a pub and is holding some dog shit. he says to the barman 'bejesus would you look at what i nearly stood in'

An irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.
They had been queuing for three weeks to see Closed For The Winter.

Mad Mary was speeding around the asylum as usual in her wheelchair.Mad Mark stops her and asks to see her licence.." Shit! " exclaims Mary and quickly speeds off around the corner,only to then get stopped by Mad Jim who asks to see her insurance.." Fuck! " she says and took off again at speed.Rounding the next corner she is stopped by Mad Dave standing stark naked with a massive erection." Oh No! " she shreiks " Not the fucking breathaliser again! ".

Rudolph the Red was sitting in his cabin in the heart of Russia eating his supper with his wife. Looking out of the window his wife remarked that it was snowing outside. "No it isn't" said Rudolph "It's raining". His wife convinced that she was right went outside to check the weather. Finding that what looked like snow was really only rain, she came back indoors and told Rudolph that he was right.. "How did you know?" she asked. He replied "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear"

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral? Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid

Whats the difference between Newcastle United and Alan Shearer????

Alan Shearer will be on Match of the Day next year!!!!!!