Jokes

My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”

She said, “How about now?”

If I was addicted to masturbation and then I became addicted to sex, would it be right to say my addiction got out of hand?

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

I asked Siri why I was still single.

She turned on the front camera.

2 mates sitting in a pub when a guy moves past their table and knocks it but doesn't spill their drinks.
"Sorry lads - you alright there? Didn't knock your drinks did I?"
2 mates say "Nah, all good"
Then one of the mates whispers to the other mate "Wanker" and laughs.
The other mate says "No, no, no - did you see the bag he was carrying?"
"Why? What's that got to do with anything?"
"Well, that bag is from that expensive tropical fish shop down the road"
"Well?"
"Well, we couldn't afford to buy anything from there - and look at his suit and his watch"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, all expensive - he's got a few bob"
"Well, he's still a wanker"
"No, if he's got fish then that proves he's a caring guy - you know looking after animals"
"So?"
"If he's a caring guy who looks after animals and he's got a few bob then he obviously lives in a nice place"
"Yeah?"
"If he lives in a nice place and has a bit of money AND is a nice guy then I bet you he has a girlfriend"
"So?"
"If he's got a girlfriend then I bet you she's a cracker"
"Hmm"
"And if she's a cracker then I bet he doesn't need to have a wank because his girlfriend will tend to all his desires"
"Wow, yeah"
"So, my friend, he is indeed NOT a wanker"
"Hey, you're so good at reading people - can I have a go?"
"Sure, go and ask that guy over there a few questions and see if you can work out what he's like before you judge him"
"Oo - I'll do that then"
So his mate walks over to this guy in the pub and then there's suddenly an argument and this bloke punches the mate in the eye and he staggers back over holding onto the tables as he does.
"What the fuck happened there then?"
"Well, I thought I'll do what you did and start from there"
"So what went wrong?"
"Well, I asked him if he kept fish and he said no so I said you must be a wanker then"

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I have only gone and bloody poisoned myself, thanks to my own culinary skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off
at the park.

She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.

"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those
pounds before you know it."

"My fucking scarf's trapped in the door, you arsehole," she replied.

My friend was suggesting we watch a movie...

He said, "The Matrix?"
I said, "Seen it."

He said, "Avatar?"
I said, "Seen it."

He said, "Lord of the Rings?"
I said, "Seen it."

He said, "Batman?"
I said, "Seen it."

He said, "My mum's minge."
I said, "Seen it."

"Ha ha," he said, "I knew you weren't listening."
I said, "Yes I was."

Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.
Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing