Jokes

Why does it suck to be a penis?

You have a head but no brains, one eye but you’re blind, you’re stuck with a couple of nuts, you live right next door to an asshole and you’re best friend is a pussy.

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.

Do you know why?'

"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. “That's because...The first time is usually in December and The second time is in May.”

Three very ill men go to doctor. One is alcoholic, one is chain-smoker and other is gay.

The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die.

So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees the bar and hears its loud music and can’t resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead. The other two men walk outside realising how serious this is.

But, then the chain smoker sees a half a cigarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the smoker, “ If you bend over to pick that up, we both are dead” .

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Why is life like a dick?

Sometimes it gets hard for no apparent reason

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady comes back.

“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

A burglar broke into a home.

He heard a soft voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search.

Again, he hears: “Jesus is watching you.”

He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, “Yes.” So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, “Moses.”

The burglar asked, “What kind of people would name a parrot Moses

The parrot replied, “The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus.”

A bill collector came knocking at the door of a lady who had fallen behind on her furniture bills. "All right, lady," said the bill collector, "how about the next installment on that couch?" The lady shrugged. "I guess that's better than having to give you money."