Jokes

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded".

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and arse are interchangeable".

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”

The reason women will never be the ones to propose is
because as soon as she gets down on her knees
He will start unzipping!

A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street.
A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was that all about?"

What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter”

An old man went to the doctor. He had problems with a terrible pain in his leg.

“I am afraid, it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “I can’t do anything about it.”

“That can’t be true!” replied the old man, “You just don’t know what it is”.

“How can you possibly know that I am wrong?” asked the doctor.

“Well it’s simple,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exactly same age!”

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 27 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon?

It’s not the end of the world.

I used to sell staircases

But I went a step too far

What did the Penis say to the Vagina?

Don't make me come in there