Jokes

I fell in love with a cleaner

She swept me off my feet

My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being good in bed..."

After 2 minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

If a women is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

(A) You need more time together
(B) She's a prude
© She should of sat elsewhere on the bus

A man goes to church and tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."

The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"

The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."

The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put £100 in the donation pan."

The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriates "You didn't put £100 in the pan!"

The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."

A guy sleeps with a £5 prostitute and gets crabs.

The next day he goes back to complain and the hooker laughs and says, "What did you expect for £5... lobster?"

A pornstar gave me a little book the other day

It was full of sticky notes

Why did no one buy Rudolph or Blitzen?

Because they were two deer

During a blind date, as a man and a woman were filling each other in on their pasts, the man said, "A genie once gave me the option of having a longer penis or better memory".

"And which did you choose?" the woman asked.

A man replied "I don't remember".

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?

All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.